OWE, I see.

As I am exposed more and more to situations where so much just DOESN'T go right for good people, I am becoming more and more aware of my wonderful set of circumstances.  But along with that recognition comes something I'm not sure I'm handling correctly  

I sort of feel like I "owe" something to someone/somewhere for the wonderful life I am able to live every day.  But, who do I owe, and what do I give?  My parents are some of the best people I have ever met.  My neighborhood is one of the safest places I've ever lived.  My children are all very happy and healthy and making great choices.  My wasband and I get along really well now.  My support group in real life, as well as on FB, is incredible!  I'm 2/3 finished with my master's degree and my internships are all lined up in wonderful places. 

I couldn't ask for more, but... I GOT MORE!  A house basically fell into my lap last night, so I offered (low-balled) and it got accepted within SIX hours!  It's is EXACTLY what I have been looking for for the last 2 years.  I knew it when I first stepped inside of it last night.  Perfect size, perfect location, perfect views, perfect everything!  It has the covered back patio facing the direction I like, a wide front patio/entry with views to die for, a beautiful office right off the entry way where I can eventually have clients when I get my private practice opened, it is 1 mile from Max's school, 7 houses away from my parents, and so much more.

Now what?  Do I claim, "I'm blessed," which gives the notion that he who blesses (as if...) chose me over others?  Do I attribute it to "the secret" because I had a fleeting thought 2 days ago about moving, since my lease is up soon?  Am I just lucky?  Should I feel guilty?  Obliged?  Entitled?  Did I earn this?  

I think I'll just pick "confused," and run with it.  

I'm also going to pick thrilled, ecstatic, and super happy, oh... and scorpion-less!

Am I?

I’m enjoying the new-found freedom that being agnostic brings.  At least I THINK I’m agnostic.  Who knows - that is a part of the process I find very confusing!  It is such a strange feeling to have the guilt, fear, and pressure that I really didn’t even know was there - GONE. I’ve always been an out-of-the-box thinker, but I believe it’s only been recently that I’ve been a deep thinker.  Not sure if that makes much sense, but it is the only way I can explain why or how much I questioned stuff but never had enough cog dis to actually do anything about it.  Now that I am standing back and looking at my life, I realize how much subliminal discrimination existed.  Kinda sucks to come face-to-face with it, yet it feels good to be able to give myself a break and pat myself on the back for doing what I’ve done amid the confusion.  It almost gives me more energy and motivation to forge a new path somewhere I never imagined going or being before.

I don't have anywhere else to post my thoughts in relative obscurity, so... THIS will have to be the place.  

Like a dog to someone else's vomit...

click me >>>>>  Ya. Mmmmhmmmm...

Neighbor gifts

Two more weeks until Christmas Eve!  I need to get moving on the neighbor gifts in a major way.  Dipped pretzels?  Plates of homemade candy?  Hot chocolate mix in a jar?

I was just thinking of how my old 'hood is probably doing their annual Christmas tree activity about right now. I was remembering how they put fake names of real people in our area (with their ages, sizes, and wants) on the ornaments on the tree, and how families go over and chose a few ornaments and buy gifts for that fake person, then the gifts are secretly delivered to the doorstep of the family.  I was remembering the wonderful feelings I've had each year that they have included my family in that tradition.  I really am so very glad it isn't me on that tree again this year, but in some ways I'm sad.  I'm so thankful I don't need to be on it, but I'll miss the love that came with every present!  I'll miss pretending that I don't know that they are doing something for us.  I'll miss wondering if we really don't need help, but wanting it anyway. 

I'm glad I didn't know how much I would miss those small things when I decided to move - because I never would have made the change had I had any idea.  I'm so glad that I've made changes for myself, but I miss the overall feeling of love and friendship that exists in the old 'hood!  I'm not sure how to recreate it, but I know I'll always remember it.

My lifeshake!

Guess what.  I am whole.  I found my new normal - the place we all have to reach when expectations don't come to fruition.  It took a while, but I'm here.  I mean, I feel like I have actually arrived at my destination.  It isn't one I planned for, but it really fits, and I am oh so glad to be here!

How did it happen?  Well, looking back, it seems something like this:  I decided to make a milkshake.  I hadn't thought much about wanting one, but I felt it would be fine to have one, so... I made one.  Problem was, I had no milk.  So, I took my life and threw it in to the blender.  I put my much-too-large home, my super awesome kids, my rocky relationship with my ex, my very supportive friends, my sorry sibling issues, my scary financial struggles, my upsidedown relationship with religion, my hundreds of great decisions about "what to do" that never came to be, my emotions that had been tucked away for far too many years, and me all in the blender.  Had I taken the time to think about what I was about to do, I never would have done it.  But, LUCKILY for me, I was impulsive as ever, and I just pushed "blend".

That blender whirled around with all of me inside for three months.  Twelve weeks.  Ninety long, dark, out-of-control, spinning days. Then... it all stopped.

As you can imagine, all of those ingredients make for quite a large milkshake/lifeshake.  Thus, I have been pouring myself in to lovely old-fashion milkshake glasses for the last few weeks.  Today, I finally managed to get a straw and take a long cold sip... and gosh almighty, it is DELICIOUS!!!!   Furthermore, there are no holes!  Not in the glasses, and not in me!  ...and believe me, there WAS a hole for a while. 

My life-shake is the best decision/shake I've ever made!  I didn't follow the right recipe.  In fact, I didn't even bother looking for one,  I just listened to my intuition.  I let ME talk me into it.  Because I let me make my decisions with myself, I am responsible for the outcome, the consequences.  No one to blame, no one to thank.  (That's not to say that there were not many people who helped me along the way, but that is for another blog!)  I trust myself now.  I don't have any more holes.  I'm proud of me!  I'm whole.

So, I'm here and I love my new normal.  I've arrived as a milkshake.  Everything has been blended together so that nothing is too big, too heavy, too sad, or too much.  Everything is equal, and I am balanced.  My life is smooth, and cool, and beautiful, and refreshing.

I'm in love at last... with my new normal.

I'll adjust...

So, this morning I called down to a church in St. George... just to check on the kid situation. One thing for sure, the LDS community is full of info! The guy I talked to told me that indeed there were NOT a lot of kids in the area, but there are enough. (Utah Valley is an anomaly - BFFs to the right and to the left.) I asked him about a basketball hoop that I had seen across the street and down two houses from my new place - I wanted to know if there were full-time kids there or just grand kids. He gave me the lowdown on that. Then he said rather quietly, "There is a black family." and then he went silent. I waited to hear the list of the colors of the other families in the area, but he didn't give. I was like "Yes, and?" Still more silence. I wondered if perhaps he wanted me to tell him MY family's color - which would be difficult cuz I didn't know I had been assigned one. I thought about saying "Orangeish Red - you know, like the color of a beautiful sunset!" But, I didn't. I just kind of sat there.

Can't remember how the rest of the conversation went after that, other than that I said good-bye. Quite frankly, my brain checked out for a bit because I was trying to remember where I was moving. Was I going back to South Carolina? Columbia, South Carolina is the first place I was ever exposed to racism - the kind we've all seen on TV. KKK marching down the road, and me having to carefully take a detour (when I really wanted to run them all down) so they could continue their march in protest of pigment. That is also the place where I was told "black people should not be allowed to go to BYU because they have a part of their brain missing, but they do have more muscles in their ankles... which make them jump higher." Ya, do NOT make me tell you who said that one to me. Suffice it to say, I was in an "interview"... uh huh!

But,then I remembered that I am moving to St. George UTAH, and I wondered why this guy felt the need to let me in on the secret - cuz I'm sure it won't be obvious to me when I meet my neighbors...me being color blind and all. I wonder if it would be good for my phone helper to know that Maggie's current best friend here in Utah County is a lil' black boy named Matthew; she is going to marry him.

Do you think it will put his well-meaning mind at ease to know that my adjustment time will be minmal?

In all its glory!

LINK    <<<< go there for more info  :O)