Ok, here is the deal. After doing everything I was supposed to do in order to get an A+ in this LDS culture, (100% active all my life, serving a mission, temple marriage, BYU graduate, accepting callings, SAHM for 20 yrs, reading, praying, templing, tithing, forgiving, even baking bread) I feel like I've been given a D- now that I am divorced and have "non mission" kids. (it is me judging myself and giving myself those feelings - I know that). So, I am trying VERY hard to be "inactive" and just leave The Church. You know, just walk away.
It is not working - at least not socially.
It is not working - at least not socially.
It's my ward. They won't let me do it! I had an "Ensign" Sunday last week. Right after church (which I didn't attend), my HTs showed up (one of whom is a very prominent BYU athletic... person). Anyway, just as they were about to leave, 7 of my good girl friends in the ward showed up (dresses on, Ensign in hand) and sat in my front room and were just my friends. Ten min after that, my VT showed up just to chat, then another gal in the ward brought over a letter just sharing her feelings with me. I finally decided to leave the house and take my dog for a walk (the kids were with their dad), when a member of the EQP chases me down on his motorcycle! He just wanted to chat (cuz he has been where I am), so we did for about an hour.
Honestly, if that weren't enough, I've had Zucchini bread delivered (fresh from the oven), and a CD with a Women of Destiny song burned on it - both delivered with anonymous "we love you" cards. Then today, I find an envelope taped to my front door with yet another anonymous card and ...$150 cash stuck in side. (I'm desperately trying to recall exactly whose handwriting is on this particular card!)
NOW what am I supposed to do???? Sheesh, maybe they are thinking that if they can't kill me with kindness, perhaps they can buy my activity! (they know me well...)
The thing is, I just wanna be BAD for a while. I don't mean actually do things that are against my moral code, I guess I just want to be different from what I have been - cuz the end result wasn't all that much fun when I "chose the right"! It was peaceful, but I didn't end up where I thought I would end up.
So, I am still as cynical as ever. Probably nothing to worry about... at least nothing serious. My RSP told me to go for it, but make sure I give equal amounts of time to both camps. I asked her if that meant I could drink coffee WHILE reading scriptures 
...she just rolled her eyes.
...she just rolled her eyes.
6 comments:
OMG, it took me 10 years from the point of being "profesionally" inactive to walking away completely (well, to be specific, I haven't exactly written "the letter," nor had the frank conversation with my parents (who are on a mission)--denial can be a balm. Seriously, it took lots of internal conversations and some weird mind tricks to come out the other side. Funny thing is, my guess is there are LOTS of people "faking it" every Sunday.
Bottom line, be true to yourself and your kids. It might be one of the things the church endoctrinated us with that will prove helpful.
I'm proud of you! :) :)
I sat on the Church fence for almost 2 and 1/2 years, but I was never an adult in the Church. That doesn't mean my choice is right for other people, it is just right for me - in a twist of irony, DJ asks to go to Church every week... my therapist says to take him, but I just am not up to it this year - I mean, what was God thinking??? No, sorry. Anyway, the reason I wrote was to say that this post reminds me of the opposite of that favorite saying, "It is the Church, not the people." It sounds like right now it is the peoople, not the Church. And of course that was two months ago, so I am sure things have changed. Anyway, it sounds like you have good friends.
"The thing is, I just wanna be BAD for a while. I don't mean actually do things that are against my moral code, I guess I just want to be different from what I have been - cuz the end result wasn't all that much fun when I "chose the right"! It was peaceful, but I didn't end up where I thought I would end up."
You haven't yet ended up where you're going to end up.
Being BAD is overrated.
Gretchen I found your blog from FB link on info. Well, I have something to say about this, but it will take a while. I was like you and did everything the "right" way and at 26 divorced and felt like you did. It was a hard time for me and I think Satan uses it as a foot in the door since we are so demoralized at that point. Then I had to decide for myself if I had a testimony, because that is what being true was about. If I didn't really beleive, then it was okay to walk away but how can it be right (even in hard times) if it IS true. The problem lies with the "idealistic" people. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I have a whole lot more to say (I decided not to go inactive, even though I have been severely tempted several times) but know where the truth is no matter what the ideal people do or say. I stand on that, not others or my weak way of measuring success by the "ideal".
Reading this made me think... and wonder...where you will be in ten years...emotionally, physically, Intellectually, spiritually, socially... This I believe, you will test all things, and hold fast to those things you find are good. Surely you will be happy.
It has been 3 years and 2.5 months since I wrote this, Thotman. Lots has changed!!
I AM happy. 3 years ago if anyone had told me where I'd be right now I wouldn't have been able to comprehend it. But, I was happy then. It's just different. I'm more authentic, and I'm finding parts of me I didn't know existed.
And yes, I WILL test all things.
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