Unmet expectations...

Ya, ya, we all know... I am a single mom with 4 kids. Three live at home, and one is a relative transient right now. He delivers pizza during the day, and plays with his friends all night long, and sleeps who knows where on a nightly basis. My ex-husband lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment about 5 miles away, and takes the kids to be with him whenever he can. I'm getting money each month, but it barely pays all the bills after the $1900 mortgage payment (thanks to a few 2nd mortgages that have been combined in to one hefty payment). While it is true that I haven't had to change much in the physical realm since the separation (house, staying home, etc), and I don't have to work right now, I can certainly tell you that THIS is not what I had planned 20 years ago when I said "I Do".

I guess I have finally realized that not one of us is exempt from problems. More than that, I think I now see that we are really not in control of our lives no matter how much we think we are in control of them. For instance, I live on a street with 20 homes filled with people who have had some pretty intense experiences as of late. Here is a list of a few:

One of my neighbors is in the middle of a divorce from a guy who has had three affairs - that she knows of. He drinks, he lies, and he cheats in more ways than one. He plays one-up with her all of the time, trying to "win" the kid's love. She has had to go back to workteaching full-time after being a stay at home mom for over 16 years. She is 42.

Another neighbor is recently widowed. She and her husband were terribly in love. They were one of those couples everyone wants to be like. Fun loving, out going, hard working, energetic, and kind. He died suddenly at work one morning. She is 42.

A great friend down the road is dealing with her husband's diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. He is an incredible musician and plays the guitar and bass perfectly! He is slowly losing his ability to play anything since his fingers shake, and his depression is worsening. He and she are both 43.

My good friend across the street is adjusting to life after her husband had a stroke in the middle of Lake Powell. It has been four years now, but he still is not able to drive at all, or see out of his eyes more than 25% . She drives him and their four children everywhere. It seems like she lives in their van. She is 38.

My neighbor and her three children are getting used to her new marriage of 6 months, after a very ugly affair-caused-divorce 5 years ago. The "blended" family situation she is in now has been worse than she could have imagined. She is 41.

Another gal at the other end of my street is currently a single mom of three kids under 10 due to her husband's suicide while he was away on a business trip. It has been two years, but her little children talk and ask about dad, and her oldest lets her know how angry he is at his dad for doing what he did. She has no education, and worries about what will happen when the social security runs out. She is 29.

One friend with 5 kids under 10 has just learned that her husband suffers from severe bi-polar disorder. It explains his inability to get and keep a job for the last few years, but it doesn't help pay the bills. They are currently trudging through the beginnings of the path of getting help/meds for this mental disorder. She is 38.

All of the experiences listed above are things that have caused so many expectations to go completely unmet! Most of us couldn't have even written/fathomed the life script we are currently involved with if our lives depended on it.

WHAT is going on? Everyone of the people I mentioned have prayed and fasted and thought and hoped and wished and tried everything they could to remedy the issues in their lives, but the reality is that we can't change other people, and for the most part, we can't control what path our life takes! Yes, we are able to make choices and predict somewhat what the consequences will be from those choices, but we really can't expect our lives to go as we have planned them to go.

I think the reason we set goals is so that we have hope! So that we have something to shoot for... but we can't really expect that we will get there, can we? Unmet goals seem different than unmet expectations. Maybe it is becauseI see a goal as something we think about and aim for, whereas an expectation is something that should just BE! I mean, I expected my husband to get and keep a job with insurance. I expect my kids to graduate from high school. I expected that getting pregnant would be easy. I expect that buying milk will not cause financial anxiety. I expect that I will have something to rely on for retirement when I am 65. I expected that my marriage would be fun and lasting. It feels like those things should just happen. They shouldn't need to be talked about or argued over or decided upon. They seem like things that just... ARE! It is those things not happening that cause anxiety and frustration and saddness for me.

I suppose it is just as unfair to expect anything of others as it is for me to be feeling let down. Life is NOT fair, is it?

I'm not sure this is all connected or making much sense. I am just slowly realizing that in some ways, living one day at a time is the only way to live. Making plans for the future for anything other than our inside self is futile, isn't it? The only expectation I feel like I can have for myself anymore is just the expectation to be happy, content, and at peace. It is a choice, and it is something that I CAN control! I wish I would have known "then" what I know now. Would I have made different choices? I'm not sure I would have, but I think I would have been able to look at my life and my future and my thoughts, and realize that what is on the inside of me is the only thing I can honestly expect to be the way I want it to be. I would have focused more on that aspect of my life and not put so many dreams and hopes in the hands of others and the unknown.

As of now, unmet expectations will be something of the past. I "expect" that I will be able to make that my happy reality! :o)