Ok, I have good news - at least for myself. I just learned how to print off an envelope with an address on it! I know, this is probably old hat for so many people, but I just barely figured it out! Plus, today I am learning how to use a spreadsheet and a database - thanks to the "help" section of Microsoft Works. (I got it at DI the other day for .50 cents) Leah also helped me... even though I got her out of bed too early this morning with my "HELP ME" phone call. Poor thing. Since she worked in the software sector (albeit 11+ years ago), I figure she still knows everything about software, so she is my go-to gal for that stuff!
So, I am happily printing off envelopes for everything I have to send - which is not much. I do have to send a check for $7 to a gal so I can take M&M on a fieldtrip to Thanksgiving Point Farm this next month. I also had to print out an envelope to send away for some free "don't park in handicapped spaces" stickers. I had to print out a SASE for that too, so that was extra fun! (SASE = Self Addressed Stamped Envelope ...remember, from Zoom!) So, I have printed off THREE and I feel so organized.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Unmet expectations...
Ya, ya, we all know... I am a single mom with 4 kids. Three live at home, and one is a relative transient right now. He delivers pizza during the day, and plays with his friends all night long, and sleeps who knows where on a nightly basis. My ex-husband lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment about 5 miles away, and takes the kids to be with him whenever he can. I'm getting money each month, but it barely pays all the bills after the $1900 mortgage payment (thanks to a few 2nd mortgages that have been combined in to one hefty payment). While it is true that I haven't had to change much in the physical realm since the separation (house, staying home, etc), and I don't have to work right now, I can certainly tell you that THIS is not what I had planned 20 years ago when I said "I Do".
I guess I have finally realized that not one of us is exempt from problems. More than that, I think I now see that we are really not in control of our lives no matter how much we think we are in control of them. For instance, I live on a street with 20 homes filled with people who have had some pretty intense experiences as of late. Here is a list of a few:
One of my neighbors is in the middle of a divorce from a guy who has had three affairs - that she knows of. He drinks, he lies, and he cheats in more ways than one. He plays one-up with her all of the time, trying to "win" the kid's love. She has had to go back to workteaching full-time after being a stay at home mom for over 16 years. She is 42.
Another neighbor is recently widowed. She and her husband were terribly in love. They were one of those couples everyone wants to be like. Fun loving, out going, hard working, energetic, and kind. He died suddenly at work one morning. She is 42.
A great friend down the road is dealing with her husband's diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. He is an incredible musician and plays the guitar and bass perfectly! He is slowly losing his ability to play anything since his fingers shake, and his depression is worsening. He and she are both 43.
My good friend across the street is adjusting to life after her husband had a stroke in the middle of Lake Powell. It has been four years now, but he still is not able to drive at all, or see out of his eyes more than 25% . She drives him and their four children everywhere. It seems like she lives in their van. She is 38.
My neighbor and her three children are getting used to her new marriage of 6 months, after a very ugly affair-caused-divorce 5 years ago. The "blended" family situation she is in now has been worse than she could have imagined. She is 41.
Another gal at the other end of my street is currently a single mom of three kids under 10 due to her husband's suicide while he was away on a business trip. It has been two years, but her little children talk and ask about dad, and her oldest lets her know how angry he is at his dad for doing what he did. She has no education, and worries about what will happen when the social security runs out. She is 29.
One friend with 5 kids under 10 has just learned that her husband suffers from severe bi-polar disorder. It explains his inability to get and keep a job for the last few years, but it doesn't help pay the bills. They are currently trudging through the beginnings of the path of getting help/meds for this mental disorder. She is 38.
All of the experiences listed above are things that have caused so many expectations to go completely unmet! Most of us couldn't have even written/fathomed the life script we are currently involved with if our lives depended on it.
WHAT is going on? Everyone of the people I mentioned have prayed and fasted and thought and hoped and wished and tried everything they could to remedy the issues in their lives, but the reality is that we can't change other people, and for the most part, we can't control what path our life takes! Yes, we are able to make choices and predict somewhat what the consequences will be from those choices, but we really can't expect our lives to go as we have planned them to go.
I think the reason we set goals is so that we have hope! So that we have something to shoot for... but we can't really expect that we will get there, can we? Unmet goals seem different than unmet expectations. Maybe it is becauseI see a goal as something we think about and aim for, whereas an expectation is something that should just BE! I mean, I expected my husband to get and keep a job with insurance. I expect my kids to graduate from high school. I expected that getting pregnant would be easy. I expect that buying milk will not cause financial anxiety. I expect that I will have something to rely on for retirement when I am 65. I expected that my marriage would be fun and lasting. It feels like those things should just happen. They shouldn't need to be talked about or argued over or decided upon. They seem like things that just... ARE! It is those things not happening that cause anxiety and frustration and saddness for me.
I suppose it is just as unfair to expect anything of others as it is for me to be feeling let down. Life is NOT fair, is it?
I'm not sure this is all connected or making much sense. I am just slowly realizing that in some ways, living one day at a time is the only way to live. Making plans for the future for anything other than our inside self is futile, isn't it? The only expectation I feel like I can have for myself anymore is just the expectation to be happy, content, and at peace. It is a choice, and it is something that I CAN control! I wish I would have known "then" what I know now. Would I have made different choices? I'm not sure I would have, but I think I would have been able to look at my life and my future and my thoughts, and realize that what is on the inside of me is the only thing I can honestly expect to be the way I want it to be. I would have focused more on that aspect of my life and not put so many dreams and hopes in the hands of others and the unknown.
As of now, unmet expectations will be something of the past. I "expect" that I will be able to make that my happy reality! :o)
I guess I have finally realized that not one of us is exempt from problems. More than that, I think I now see that we are really not in control of our lives no matter how much we think we are in control of them. For instance, I live on a street with 20 homes filled with people who have had some pretty intense experiences as of late. Here is a list of a few:
One of my neighbors is in the middle of a divorce from a guy who has had three affairs - that she knows of. He drinks, he lies, and he cheats in more ways than one. He plays one-up with her all of the time, trying to "win" the kid's love. She has had to go back to workteaching full-time after being a stay at home mom for over 16 years. She is 42.
Another neighbor is recently widowed. She and her husband were terribly in love. They were one of those couples everyone wants to be like. Fun loving, out going, hard working, energetic, and kind. He died suddenly at work one morning. She is 42.
A great friend down the road is dealing with her husband's diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. He is an incredible musician and plays the guitar and bass perfectly! He is slowly losing his ability to play anything since his fingers shake, and his depression is worsening. He and she are both 43.
My good friend across the street is adjusting to life after her husband had a stroke in the middle of Lake Powell. It has been four years now, but he still is not able to drive at all, or see out of his eyes more than 25% . She drives him and their four children everywhere. It seems like she lives in their van. She is 38.
My neighbor and her three children are getting used to her new marriage of 6 months, after a very ugly affair-caused-divorce 5 years ago. The "blended" family situation she is in now has been worse than she could have imagined. She is 41.
Another gal at the other end of my street is currently a single mom of three kids under 10 due to her husband's suicide while he was away on a business trip. It has been two years, but her little children talk and ask about dad, and her oldest lets her know how angry he is at his dad for doing what he did. She has no education, and worries about what will happen when the social security runs out. She is 29.
One friend with 5 kids under 10 has just learned that her husband suffers from severe bi-polar disorder. It explains his inability to get and keep a job for the last few years, but it doesn't help pay the bills. They are currently trudging through the beginnings of the path of getting help/meds for this mental disorder. She is 38.
All of the experiences listed above are things that have caused so many expectations to go completely unmet! Most of us couldn't have even written/fathomed the life script we are currently involved with if our lives depended on it.
WHAT is going on? Everyone of the people I mentioned have prayed and fasted and thought and hoped and wished and tried everything they could to remedy the issues in their lives, but the reality is that we can't change other people, and for the most part, we can't control what path our life takes! Yes, we are able to make choices and predict somewhat what the consequences will be from those choices, but we really can't expect our lives to go as we have planned them to go.
I think the reason we set goals is so that we have hope! So that we have something to shoot for... but we can't really expect that we will get there, can we? Unmet goals seem different than unmet expectations. Maybe it is becauseI see a goal as something we think about and aim for, whereas an expectation is something that should just BE! I mean, I expected my husband to get and keep a job with insurance. I expect my kids to graduate from high school. I expected that getting pregnant would be easy. I expect that buying milk will not cause financial anxiety. I expect that I will have something to rely on for retirement when I am 65. I expected that my marriage would be fun and lasting. It feels like those things should just happen. They shouldn't need to be talked about or argued over or decided upon. They seem like things that just... ARE! It is those things not happening that cause anxiety and frustration and saddness for me.
I suppose it is just as unfair to expect anything of others as it is for me to be feeling let down. Life is NOT fair, is it?
I'm not sure this is all connected or making much sense. I am just slowly realizing that in some ways, living one day at a time is the only way to live. Making plans for the future for anything other than our inside self is futile, isn't it? The only expectation I feel like I can have for myself anymore is just the expectation to be happy, content, and at peace. It is a choice, and it is something that I CAN control! I wish I would have known "then" what I know now. Would I have made different choices? I'm not sure I would have, but I think I would have been able to look at my life and my future and my thoughts, and realize that what is on the inside of me is the only thing I can honestly expect to be the way I want it to be. I would have focused more on that aspect of my life and not put so many dreams and hopes in the hands of others and the unknown.
As of now, unmet expectations will be something of the past. I "expect" that I will be able to make that my happy reality! :o)
Sunday, July 8, 2007
For Good
I love the musical WICKED even though I have never seen it. I know the music and words all by heart, and I have pretty much seen the entire show on YouTube (in pieces, but I'm not complaining). It is a sad story. It is funny, but it is sad. Kind of how I feel a lot lately. Elphaba is so very misunderstood. I never really knew what it felt like to be so misunderstood... but then I never knew I was misunderstood until now.
I've heard it said that people come in to our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them... and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good!
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So, let me say before we part so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend. Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for. But then, I guess we know there's blame to share. And none of it seems to matter anymore. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. And, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
Why does this song make so much sense to me? It seems to say exactly how I feel on so many levels. The obvious level is that I have a best friend who has changed my life for good... definitely for good.
The next level though seems to be the sadness of being misunderstood, the feeling of being sorry for actions that have unwittingly caused harm or hurt to others. The apology and acceptance that happens within a few measures in the song are beautiful! The understanding that comes in so short a time is so powerful and so healing. To watch it and hear it is very moving.
What is the 3rd level? I think it is just the level that music can take me emotionally. This song makes sense to me because it speaks to my heart... without words. I'm not usually a very sentimental/emotional person on the outside, but inside I feel things very deeply. This song makes me feel on the outside as well.
Whatever the level of loving this song... it has changed me for good! :)
I've heard it said that people come in to our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them... and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good!
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So, let me say before we part so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend. Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for. But then, I guess we know there's blame to share. And none of it seems to matter anymore. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. And, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
Why does this song make so much sense to me? It seems to say exactly how I feel on so many levels. The obvious level is that I have a best friend who has changed my life for good... definitely for good.
The next level though seems to be the sadness of being misunderstood, the feeling of being sorry for actions that have unwittingly caused harm or hurt to others. The apology and acceptance that happens within a few measures in the song are beautiful! The understanding that comes in so short a time is so powerful and so healing. To watch it and hear it is very moving.
What is the 3rd level? I think it is just the level that music can take me emotionally. This song makes sense to me because it speaks to my heart... without words. I'm not usually a very sentimental/emotional person on the outside, but inside I feel things very deeply. This song makes me feel on the outside as well.
Whatever the level of loving this song... it has changed me for good! :)
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Should I, or shouldn't I???
I'm a little chicken to post anything on my blog since my family is opposed to my writing anything of value on here. Oh well, since I am opposed to my family having an opinion of value... I guess I will post anyway! :) lol
I think family reunions are wonderful. I always get excited to make plans for them, and I go to them with all my hopes and dreams on the forefront of my mind. I've been accused of having an ideal for my family that is too high. I guess my ideal causes my siblings and my parents angst. Perhaps the ideal that I have is so wonderful and exciting that even the thought of changing from the way things are right now and moving to that "Celestial family" produces an overload of euphoric feelings for them which they are just not able to deal with (although I doubt it).
I actually think that my ideal produces weight. Not physical weight - although that is a possibility. I think it produces emotional weight called... "Obligation." (Not "oblation" - that is "an offering." But quite frankly, that too would produce discord in my family if it were included in my ideal! lol) No, I am referring to the uncomfortable motivating force that prods brothers and sisters to help one another when one of them is moving in to a new home. The force that goads siblings in to action (ie, going in to a church on a Saturday) when one of them is baptizing a child. The knowledge that exists deep within that causes people to check on friends and family even when it is not convenient.
That weight of obligation must be pretty darn heavy. I know I am emotionally exhausted because of it, since I have been talking about it so much lately. And I really AM exhausted - a place I don't get to very often.
:(
I think family reunions are wonderful. I always get excited to make plans for them, and I go to them with all my hopes and dreams on the forefront of my mind. I've been accused of having an ideal for my family that is too high. I guess my ideal causes my siblings and my parents angst. Perhaps the ideal that I have is so wonderful and exciting that even the thought of changing from the way things are right now and moving to that "Celestial family" produces an overload of euphoric feelings for them which they are just not able to deal with (although I doubt it).
I actually think that my ideal produces weight. Not physical weight - although that is a possibility. I think it produces emotional weight called... "Obligation." (Not "oblation" - that is "an offering." But quite frankly, that too would produce discord in my family if it were included in my ideal! lol) No, I am referring to the uncomfortable motivating force that prods brothers and sisters to help one another when one of them is moving in to a new home. The force that goads siblings in to action (ie, going in to a church on a Saturday) when one of them is baptizing a child. The knowledge that exists deep within that causes people to check on friends and family even when it is not convenient.
That weight of obligation must be pretty darn heavy. I know I am emotionally exhausted because of it, since I have been talking about it so much lately. And I really AM exhausted - a place I don't get to very often.
:(
Saturday, June 23, 2007
The Cheat
I love Homestarruner.com. StrongBad is the best. His e-mails crack me up. His little friend "The Cheat" came to mind today. Why? Because The Cheat is nice and funny, but cheating is not... and I was trying to think of something nice to write about!
I am going to write about cheating anyway.
There are a couple of different types of cheating. For instance, cheating while playing games - like stealing cards, moving forward one more space than the number that was rolled on the die, counting your money at the end and adding a few extra dollars to the grand total, etc. That kind of cheating, while dishonest, is rather harmless. In fact, some people actually consider that type of cheating part of the game! (I don't play with those people often if I can help it!)
Or how about cheating when shopping? It is possible to figure out how to cheat when buying stuff. I could buy stuff when it is not on sale (just to make sure I can get it), then return it when it is on sale (when there are no more left) so I can get the discount. Or do the same thing in the opposite direction. Buy stuff when it is on sale, then return it when it is not on sale and get more back than I paid for it in the first place. Is that cheating, or is that being smart? Is "beating the system" a form of cheating? Do I care about that right now? No.
The type of cheating I really want to blog about is emotional cheating. Not like "having an affair" cheating; just not being honest emotionally. I guess it is often called lying, but in so many cases the person doing the cheating doesn't even understand that the cheating is happening - at least not on the conscious level. It must be subconscious, and I must live in a subconscious world, because I can almost always tell when the emotional cheating is happening. It is frustrating for me, to say the least. I feel cheated when people are not totally honest with me.
WHY do people feel the need to cheat emotionally? Why is it so hard for people to just be who they are, say what they think, and act the way they believe? Why are so many people amazed that I say what I think? What the heck are we supposed to do with our thoughts??? Keep them inside and to ourselves? If we aren't supposed to share them, then why do we have them? Does the need to cheat emotionally come from feeling rejected by other people? Does it come from a strong desire to be accepted by others? Does it come from thinking that we are wrong for feeling the way we feel?
I wonder... do some parents discipline their children when they tell the truth (about something they did that was wrong), thus teaching the children, albeit subconsciously, that telling the truth produces negative results? Do I do that? I have a sneaking suspicion that some people I am very close with had that happen to them. It has produced disasterous results. Although these people are no longer children, the negative results of telling the truth about less than stellar events in their lives has carried over to their ability to tell the truth in their relationships now. It is sad to see/hear. It is very sad to be a part of their lives and watch them "cheat" without even knowing it.
It would be awful to have the "pregnant pause" always a part of my conversations. I am referring to the longer-than-normal pause that happens before they answer a question dealing with something that may cause them angst. It is that little space of time wherein they use their God given agency to decide whether or not to lie. It is probably as painful as labor... and is thus called a pregnant pause.
I think I am pretty honest about my life. I think I am open about my emotions. I REALLY hope that other people see me that way. I also really hope that people want to be emotionally honest with me. What would be the point of NOT being honest emotionally? I think we are supposed to believe that truth shall make us free!
Go ahead. You've read this, so now... be honest with me. Say what you think! It is almost the 4th of July - a day of celebration about freedom. C'mon... let's be FREE!!! :)
I am going to write about cheating anyway.
There are a couple of different types of cheating. For instance, cheating while playing games - like stealing cards, moving forward one more space than the number that was rolled on the die, counting your money at the end and adding a few extra dollars to the grand total, etc. That kind of cheating, while dishonest, is rather harmless. In fact, some people actually consider that type of cheating part of the game! (I don't play with those people often if I can help it!)
Or how about cheating when shopping? It is possible to figure out how to cheat when buying stuff. I could buy stuff when it is not on sale (just to make sure I can get it), then return it when it is on sale (when there are no more left) so I can get the discount. Or do the same thing in the opposite direction. Buy stuff when it is on sale, then return it when it is not on sale and get more back than I paid for it in the first place. Is that cheating, or is that being smart? Is "beating the system" a form of cheating? Do I care about that right now? No.
The type of cheating I really want to blog about is emotional cheating. Not like "having an affair" cheating; just not being honest emotionally. I guess it is often called lying, but in so many cases the person doing the cheating doesn't even understand that the cheating is happening - at least not on the conscious level. It must be subconscious, and I must live in a subconscious world, because I can almost always tell when the emotional cheating is happening. It is frustrating for me, to say the least. I feel cheated when people are not totally honest with me.
WHY do people feel the need to cheat emotionally? Why is it so hard for people to just be who they are, say what they think, and act the way they believe? Why are so many people amazed that I say what I think? What the heck are we supposed to do with our thoughts??? Keep them inside and to ourselves? If we aren't supposed to share them, then why do we have them? Does the need to cheat emotionally come from feeling rejected by other people? Does it come from a strong desire to be accepted by others? Does it come from thinking that we are wrong for feeling the way we feel?
I wonder... do some parents discipline their children when they tell the truth (about something they did that was wrong), thus teaching the children, albeit subconsciously, that telling the truth produces negative results? Do I do that? I have a sneaking suspicion that some people I am very close with had that happen to them. It has produced disasterous results. Although these people are no longer children, the negative results of telling the truth about less than stellar events in their lives has carried over to their ability to tell the truth in their relationships now. It is sad to see/hear. It is very sad to be a part of their lives and watch them "cheat" without even knowing it.
It would be awful to have the "pregnant pause" always a part of my conversations. I am referring to the longer-than-normal pause that happens before they answer a question dealing with something that may cause them angst. It is that little space of time wherein they use their God given agency to decide whether or not to lie. It is probably as painful as labor... and is thus called a pregnant pause.
I think I am pretty honest about my life. I think I am open about my emotions. I REALLY hope that other people see me that way. I also really hope that people want to be emotionally honest with me. What would be the point of NOT being honest emotionally? I think we are supposed to believe that truth shall make us free!
Go ahead. You've read this, so now... be honest with me. Say what you think! It is almost the 4th of July - a day of celebration about freedom. C'mon... let's be FREE!!! :)
Monday, June 11, 2007
A garden, a garden...
So, what KIND of garden must we all have anyway? As I look out my kitchen window, I can see four neatly placed garden boxes in the northeast corner of my yard. I notice that there is not a weed to be found in those boxes. Of course there is not a plant of any kind to be found therein. This year the guilt associated with those boxes comes only from not utilizing them to the full measure of their creation. So sad.
The last 6 years of my life here in American Fork have gone a bit like this:
I LOVE the garden in April! Oh yes I do. I can hardly wait to get outside and dig in the dirt after the long, cold winter months have made me feel like a hostage within my own home. The smell of the moist garden soil beckons me, and the sound of the seeds rattling in their Burpee envelopes is like music to my ears. The cheap garden gloves I bought from Wal-mart on some dreary day in February feel like soft blankies as I pull them on over my hands which are cracked and bleeding from the darn cold, dry Utah winter! I sing all the garden songs I can think of when I am out there in April. "Inch By Inch", "The Lovely Garden" "Little Purple Pansies" and so on. A cheery picture, ain't it?
In May I feel proud and energetic as I check on my "gardenlettes" everyday, and bask in the solitude that gardening (and a 6 hour school day) brings. Knowing that I will have a garden helper or two (in the form of Maggie and her best friend, Matthew) as soon as school is out for summer, I cherish the time alone. I seem to come up with way too many "types" of Christ, Satan, sin, repentance, and just about any other religious principle available. The May garden song seems to be "Follow The Prophet," with pats on my back tapping out the beat.
I'm quite nice in the garden in June. Usually by this time of the season, we (that pronoun comes in to play at the end of May) have begun to see little flowers on the tomato plants, and the many squash variants have begun to produce leaves. We would normally spend a fair amount of time meandering through the boxes admiring our well executed garden plan that was born (amid not just a few arguments and outbursts) during a family night in March. At this point in the season, the weeds are kind of cute the way they try to hide under the larger leaves of the squash, or the way they sprout up in plain sight doing their best to camflage themselves by appearing with well matched leaves next to a legitimate garden plant. Before yanking them out of their shallow rooted homes, I usually talk to them and appologize for ending their weedy little lives so soon. Humming (or is that counting to 10 under my breath) has replaced the singing in the garden by the end of June.
I'm not quite as nice in the garden in July. The hot dry Utah weather catches up with me by about July 3rd (which doesn't bode well for the children or the parades on July 4th). At this point, the garden has lost it's "fun summer project" feeling, and the cute little weeds have turned in to something akin to those screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter. The tomato plants have completely taken over their respective garden boxes and are only producing "fruit" with blossom-end rot. The zucchini, squash, and pumpkin plants seem to be hosting endless wasp family reunions. The singing, and even the "humming", has been replaced by ill-timed swear words.
By August, I am no longer in the garden at all. At this point, I have enlisted the help of a cheerful neighbor child (the one who leaves upwards of 40 notes taped to our door over the summer months in hopes of starting her own business) to spray Round-Up on everything green, yellow, or brown within the "garden" area. I then announce to the family that anything that is still alive by the 15th of August is to be attacked with a rototiller! The garden music of the month now borders on "screamo."
Alas, when September arrives and parades of moms with tots pull produce laden wagons around the neighborhood in a feeble attempt to rid themselves of their overabundance of zucchini and tomatoes, I post a handy dandy sign saying "DO NOT offer me garden ANYTHING!!! Give it to the prophet!!"
So... how can I enjoy playing Croquet in the yard knowing that the four garden boxes, resting merely inches in front of the "poison" wicket, sit completely void of any use for which they were created? The answer lies in the nicely laminated sign next to the food storage room in the basement of my home. It says, "CANNED GardenThis Way." Thank you Wal-mart!!
The last 6 years of my life here in American Fork have gone a bit like this:
I LOVE the garden in April! Oh yes I do. I can hardly wait to get outside and dig in the dirt after the long, cold winter months have made me feel like a hostage within my own home. The smell of the moist garden soil beckons me, and the sound of the seeds rattling in their Burpee envelopes is like music to my ears. The cheap garden gloves I bought from Wal-mart on some dreary day in February feel like soft blankies as I pull them on over my hands which are cracked and bleeding from the darn cold, dry Utah winter! I sing all the garden songs I can think of when I am out there in April. "Inch By Inch", "The Lovely Garden" "Little Purple Pansies" and so on. A cheery picture, ain't it?
In May I feel proud and energetic as I check on my "gardenlettes" everyday, and bask in the solitude that gardening (and a 6 hour school day) brings. Knowing that I will have a garden helper or two (in the form of Maggie and her best friend, Matthew) as soon as school is out for summer, I cherish the time alone. I seem to come up with way too many "types" of Christ, Satan, sin, repentance, and just about any other religious principle available. The May garden song seems to be "Follow The Prophet," with pats on my back tapping out the beat.
I'm quite nice in the garden in June. Usually by this time of the season, we (that pronoun comes in to play at the end of May) have begun to see little flowers on the tomato plants, and the many squash variants have begun to produce leaves. We would normally spend a fair amount of time meandering through the boxes admiring our well executed garden plan that was born (amid not just a few arguments and outbursts) during a family night in March. At this point in the season, the weeds are kind of cute the way they try to hide under the larger leaves of the squash, or the way they sprout up in plain sight doing their best to camflage themselves by appearing with well matched leaves next to a legitimate garden plant. Before yanking them out of their shallow rooted homes, I usually talk to them and appologize for ending their weedy little lives so soon. Humming (or is that counting to 10 under my breath) has replaced the singing in the garden by the end of June.
I'm not quite as nice in the garden in July. The hot dry Utah weather catches up with me by about July 3rd (which doesn't bode well for the children or the parades on July 4th). At this point, the garden has lost it's "fun summer project" feeling, and the cute little weeds have turned in to something akin to those screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter. The tomato plants have completely taken over their respective garden boxes and are only producing "fruit" with blossom-end rot. The zucchini, squash, and pumpkin plants seem to be hosting endless wasp family reunions. The singing, and even the "humming", has been replaced by ill-timed swear words.
By August, I am no longer in the garden at all. At this point, I have enlisted the help of a cheerful neighbor child (the one who leaves upwards of 40 notes taped to our door over the summer months in hopes of starting her own business) to spray Round-Up on everything green, yellow, or brown within the "garden" area. I then announce to the family that anything that is still alive by the 15th of August is to be attacked with a rototiller! The garden music of the month now borders on "screamo."
Alas, when September arrives and parades of moms with tots pull produce laden wagons around the neighborhood in a feeble attempt to rid themselves of their overabundance of zucchini and tomatoes, I post a handy dandy sign saying "DO NOT offer me garden ANYTHING!!! Give it to the prophet!!"
So... how can I enjoy playing Croquet in the yard knowing that the four garden boxes, resting merely inches in front of the "poison" wicket, sit completely void of any use for which they were created? The answer lies in the nicely laminated sign next to the food storage room in the basement of my home. It says, "CANNED GardenThis Way." Thank you Wal-mart!!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Uncomfortable... (written for my siblings)
Have you ever been on the phone talking to a friend when another call comes in? You say "hang on a sec, I'll be right back," then switch to the other line, thinking you will be able to end the 2nd call quickly. You mean to explain right away that you are already on the other line, but because you don't say anything fast enough, you end up on the second phone call for much longer than the "sec" you promised your first call friend. After a minute or so of chatting with the second friend, you realize that saying you are on the other line at this point will be uncomfortable, and the time for saying that has passed, so you just keep on talking and hope that your first friend will understand.
That is the type of "uncomfortable" I'm talking about.
With that in mind, may I say that I can see that it is well past the comfort point to announce that Rich and I are NOT getting a divorce. He has been living back here at home for just over three weeks now.
Why have I not really told anybody in my family? I suppose that after all that was said and done in the 15 months between the time he moved out and time he moved back in (and I am talking about all that was said and done by me! lol), I feel rather ill at ease explaining my "change of heart." Some experiences such as this one are of a nature that they are really too intricate or too spiritual to put in to words. My dad used to say that he had spiritual experiences that were too personal to share, and I never could understand how that could be or what he meant by that. I get it now. But I still wish I could explain it to everyone so that each person would feel comfortable with my decision. I wish I could retract the many things I said/wrote/did in that year plus, but I can't. And quite frankly, I would only take them back because I would want to erase the feelings that those words and deeds caused other people to think and feel about Rich. I would not recind them because I didn't mean them. I really did mean them! I meant every word I said. I felt every feeling I emoted! But now that hearts and feelings have changed, I wish I could magically make everyone trust Rich and like him again and see what I see now. I know I can't. I know that God can!
Here is how it happened... well, at least this is the timeline of it all:
- Rich moved out of the house March1, 2006
-We signed the divorce papers on April 10th, 2007.
-I made a "can we talk" phone call to Rich on April 21st (after a long walk with a good friend).
-We told the kids the divorce was "off" on April 25th.
-He moved back in on May 15th.
- We signed the "undivorce" papers June 4th, 2007.
Life is really good lately. Nothing has changed financially (which has always been a big part of my marriage-wellness measuring stick). Nothing has changed about where we live, what we drive, or who we hang out with on the weekends. (Well, wait a minute, Rich drives a 2000 Saturn now rather than a BMW. But it is still white.) Nothing has changed about what we wear, or about how we play games with competitive natures flaring up. In fact, there is really no obvious change from the world's view point. But, there has been a huge change of heart. We react differently. We smile more. We laugh more. We talk more. We pray more. We make an effort at understanding each other more. We really try to NOT have to be right more. We share more. We work together more. We certainly eat family dinners more - Top Ramen just doesn't cut it with a dad in the house. I wouldn't say "we love more," I would say "we love." There is a big difference.
The kids are all adjusting to the change. I thought this would be much easier on them than his departure was 15 months ago, but... I was wrong. Who'd have thought with all the praying that Max did to "help Dad redeem himself so he can live with us again," that such havoc would be wrought upon Dad's return. To say it has been easy would be wrong, but to say that there has been an overall feeling of peace would work. Expectations are pretty flat for the older boys, and luckily when they are flat there isn't much needed in order to exceed them. Expectations are high for the two younger kids, but they are simple expectations, and those are relatively easy to achieve. Expectations on my part are... gone. That is not a bad thing, it just allows me to continue to trust God, and accept what comes after that. It is really a very good thing for me. I've had to learn to let go. Let go of everything I thought I had control over... which was everything, but has turned out to be nothing! lol
God has been the biggest part of all of this. He has had His hand in this entire process. His timing has been unusually and specifically key. Moving mountains is nothing compared to what he has accomplished in me. :0)
With that in mind, I hope that the uncomfortableness of this whole situation will dissipate with time, and that God will take the "blame" for me not getting back to that friend on the other line in a comfortable amount of time.
That is the type of "uncomfortable" I'm talking about.
With that in mind, may I say that I can see that it is well past the comfort point to announce that Rich and I are NOT getting a divorce. He has been living back here at home for just over three weeks now.
Why have I not really told anybody in my family? I suppose that after all that was said and done in the 15 months between the time he moved out and time he moved back in (and I am talking about all that was said and done by me! lol), I feel rather ill at ease explaining my "change of heart." Some experiences such as this one are of a nature that they are really too intricate or too spiritual to put in to words. My dad used to say that he had spiritual experiences that were too personal to share, and I never could understand how that could be or what he meant by that. I get it now. But I still wish I could explain it to everyone so that each person would feel comfortable with my decision. I wish I could retract the many things I said/wrote/did in that year plus, but I can't. And quite frankly, I would only take them back because I would want to erase the feelings that those words and deeds caused other people to think and feel about Rich. I would not recind them because I didn't mean them. I really did mean them! I meant every word I said. I felt every feeling I emoted! But now that hearts and feelings have changed, I wish I could magically make everyone trust Rich and like him again and see what I see now. I know I can't. I know that God can!
Here is how it happened... well, at least this is the timeline of it all:
- Rich moved out of the house March1, 2006
-We signed the divorce papers on April 10th, 2007.
-I made a "can we talk" phone call to Rich on April 21st (after a long walk with a good friend).
-We told the kids the divorce was "off" on April 25th.
-He moved back in on May 15th.
- We signed the "undivorce" papers June 4th, 2007.
Life is really good lately. Nothing has changed financially (which has always been a big part of my marriage-wellness measuring stick). Nothing has changed about where we live, what we drive, or who we hang out with on the weekends. (Well, wait a minute, Rich drives a 2000 Saturn now rather than a BMW. But it is still white.) Nothing has changed about what we wear, or about how we play games with competitive natures flaring up. In fact, there is really no obvious change from the world's view point. But, there has been a huge change of heart. We react differently. We smile more. We laugh more. We talk more. We pray more. We make an effort at understanding each other more. We really try to NOT have to be right more. We share more. We work together more. We certainly eat family dinners more - Top Ramen just doesn't cut it with a dad in the house. I wouldn't say "we love more," I would say "we love." There is a big difference.
The kids are all adjusting to the change. I thought this would be much easier on them than his departure was 15 months ago, but... I was wrong. Who'd have thought with all the praying that Max did to "help Dad redeem himself so he can live with us again," that such havoc would be wrought upon Dad's return. To say it has been easy would be wrong, but to say that there has been an overall feeling of peace would work. Expectations are pretty flat for the older boys, and luckily when they are flat there isn't much needed in order to exceed them. Expectations are high for the two younger kids, but they are simple expectations, and those are relatively easy to achieve. Expectations on my part are... gone. That is not a bad thing, it just allows me to continue to trust God, and accept what comes after that. It is really a very good thing for me. I've had to learn to let go. Let go of everything I thought I had control over... which was everything, but has turned out to be nothing! lol
God has been the biggest part of all of this. He has had His hand in this entire process. His timing has been unusually and specifically key. Moving mountains is nothing compared to what he has accomplished in me. :0)
With that in mind, I hope that the uncomfortableness of this whole situation will dissipate with time, and that God will take the "blame" for me not getting back to that friend on the other line in a comfortable amount of time.
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