Uncomfortable... (written for my siblings)

Have you ever been on the phone talking to a friend when another call comes in? You say "hang on a sec, I'll be right back," then switch to the other line, thinking you will be able to end the 2nd call quickly. You mean to explain right away that you are already on the other line, but because you don't say anything fast enough, you end up on the second phone call for much longer than the "sec" you promised your first call friend. After a minute or so of chatting with the second friend, you realize that saying you are on the other line at this point will be uncomfortable, and the time for saying that has passed, so you just keep on talking and hope that your first friend will understand.

That is the type of "uncomfortable" I'm talking about.

With that in mind, may I say that I can see that it is well past the comfort point to announce that Rich and I are NOT getting a divorce. He has been living back here at home for just over three weeks now.

Why have I not really told anybody in my family? I suppose that after all that was said and done in the 15 months between the time he moved out and time he moved back in (and I am talking about all that was said and done by me! lol), I feel rather ill at ease explaining my "change of heart." Some experiences such as this one are of a nature that they are really too intricate or too spiritual to put in to words. My dad used to say that he had spiritual experiences that were too personal to share, and I never could understand how that could be or what he meant by that. I get it now. But I still wish I could explain it to everyone so that each person would feel comfortable with my decision. I wish I could retract the many things I said/wrote/did in that year plus, but I can't. And quite frankly, I would only take them back because I would want to erase the feelings that those words and deeds caused other people to think and feel about Rich. I would not recind them because I didn't mean them. I really did mean them! I meant every word I said. I felt every feeling I emoted! But now that hearts and feelings have changed, I wish I could magically make everyone trust Rich and like him again and see what I see now. I know I can't. I know that God can!

Here is how it happened... well, at least this is the timeline of it all:

- Rich moved out of the house March1, 2006
-We signed the divorce papers on April 10th, 2007.
-I made a "can we talk" phone call to Rich on April 21st (after a long walk with a good friend).
-We told the kids the divorce was "off" on April 25th.
-He moved back in on May 15th.
- We signed the "undivorce" papers June 4th, 2007.

Life is really good lately. Nothing has changed financially (which has always been a big part of my marriage-wellness measuring stick). Nothing has changed about where we live, what we drive, or who we hang out with on the weekends. (Well, wait a minute, Rich drives a 2000 Saturn now rather than a BMW. But it is still white.) Nothing has changed about what we wear, or about how we play games with competitive natures flaring up. In fact, there is really no obvious change from the world's view point. But, there has been a huge change of heart. We react differently. We smile more. We laugh more. We talk more. We pray more. We make an effort at understanding each other more. We really try to NOT have to be right more. We share more. We work together more. We certainly eat family dinners more - Top Ramen just doesn't cut it with a dad in the house. I wouldn't say "we love more," I would say "we love." There is a big difference.

The kids are all adjusting to the change. I thought this would be much easier on them than his departure was 15 months ago, but... I was wrong. Who'd have thought with all the praying that Max did to "help Dad redeem himself so he can live with us again," that such havoc would be wrought upon Dad's return. To say it has been easy would be wrong, but to say that there has been an overall feeling of peace would work. Expectations are pretty flat for the older boys, and luckily when they are flat there isn't much needed in order to exceed them. Expectations are high for the two younger kids, but they are simple expectations, and those are relatively easy to achieve. Expectations on my part are... gone. That is not a bad thing, it just allows me to continue to trust God, and accept what comes after that. It is really a very good thing for me. I've had to learn to let go. Let go of everything I thought I had control over... which was everything, but has turned out to be nothing! lol

God has been the biggest part of all of this. He has had His hand in this entire process. His timing has been unusually and specifically key. Moving mountains is nothing compared to what he has accomplished in me. :0)

With that in mind, I hope that the uncomfortableness of this whole situation will dissipate with time, and that God will take the "blame" for me not getting back to that friend on the other line in a comfortable amount of time.