OWE, I see.

As I am exposed more and more to situations where so much just DOESN'T go right for good people, I am becoming more and more aware of my wonderful set of circumstances.  But along with that recognition comes something I'm not sure I'm handling correctly  

I sort of feel like I "owe" something to someone/somewhere for the wonderful life I am able to live every day.  But, who do I owe, and what do I give?  My parents are some of the best people I have ever met.  My neighborhood is one of the safest places I've ever lived.  My children are all very happy and healthy and making great choices.  My wasband and I get along really well now.  My support group in real life, as well as on FB, is incredible!  I'm 2/3 finished with my master's degree and my internships are all lined up in wonderful places. 

I couldn't ask for more, but... I GOT MORE!  A house basically fell into my lap last night, so I offered (low-balled) and it got accepted within SIX hours!  It's is EXACTLY what I have been looking for for the last 2 years.  I knew it when I first stepped inside of it last night.  Perfect size, perfect location, perfect views, perfect everything!  It has the covered back patio facing the direction I like, a wide front patio/entry with views to die for, a beautiful office right off the entry way where I can eventually have clients when I get my private practice opened, it is 1 mile from Max's school, 7 houses away from my parents, and so much more.

Now what?  Do I claim, "I'm blessed," which gives the notion that he who blesses (as if...) chose me over others?  Do I attribute it to "the secret" because I had a fleeting thought 2 days ago about moving, since my lease is up soon?  Am I just lucky?  Should I feel guilty?  Obliged?  Entitled?  Did I earn this?  

I think I'll just pick "confused," and run with it.  

I'm also going to pick thrilled, ecstatic, and super happy, oh... and scorpion-less!

Am I?

I’m enjoying the new-found freedom that being agnostic brings.  At least I THINK I’m agnostic.  Who knows - that is a part of the process I find very confusing!  It is such a strange feeling to have the guilt, fear, and pressure that I really didn’t even know was there - GONE. I’ve always been an out-of-the-box thinker, but I believe it’s only been recently that I’ve been a deep thinker.  Not sure if that makes much sense, but it is the only way I can explain why or how much I questioned stuff but never had enough cog dis to actually do anything about it.  Now that I am standing back and looking at my life, I realize how much subliminal discrimination existed.  Kinda sucks to come face-to-face with it, yet it feels good to be able to give myself a break and pat myself on the back for doing what I’ve done amid the confusion.  It almost gives me more energy and motivation to forge a new path somewhere I never imagined going or being before.

I don't have anywhere else to post my thoughts in relative obscurity, so... THIS will have to be the place.  

Like a dog to someone else's vomit...

click me >>>>>  Ya. Mmmmhmmmm...

Neighbor gifts

Two more weeks until Christmas Eve!  I need to get moving on the neighbor gifts in a major way.  Dipped pretzels?  Plates of homemade candy?  Hot chocolate mix in a jar?

I was just thinking of how my old 'hood is probably doing their annual Christmas tree activity about right now. I was remembering how they put fake names of real people in our area (with their ages, sizes, and wants) on the ornaments on the tree, and how families go over and chose a few ornaments and buy gifts for that fake person, then the gifts are secretly delivered to the doorstep of the family.  I was remembering the wonderful feelings I've had each year that they have included my family in that tradition.  I really am so very glad it isn't me on that tree again this year, but in some ways I'm sad.  I'm so thankful I don't need to be on it, but I'll miss the love that came with every present!  I'll miss pretending that I don't know that they are doing something for us.  I'll miss wondering if we really don't need help, but wanting it anyway. 

I'm glad I didn't know how much I would miss those small things when I decided to move - because I never would have made the change had I had any idea.  I'm so glad that I've made changes for myself, but I miss the overall feeling of love and friendship that exists in the old 'hood!  I'm not sure how to recreate it, but I know I'll always remember it.

My lifeshake!

Guess what.  I am whole.  I found my new normal - the place we all have to reach when expectations don't come to fruition.  It took a while, but I'm here.  I mean, I feel like I have actually arrived at my destination.  It isn't one I planned for, but it really fits, and I am oh so glad to be here!

How did it happen?  Well, looking back, it seems something like this:  I decided to make a milkshake.  I hadn't thought much about wanting one, but I felt it would be fine to have one, so... I made one.  Problem was, I had no milk.  So, I took my life and threw it in to the blender.  I put my much-too-large home, my super awesome kids, my rocky relationship with my ex, my very supportive friends, my sorry sibling issues, my scary financial struggles, my upsidedown relationship with religion, my hundreds of great decisions about "what to do" that never came to be, my emotions that had been tucked away for far too many years, and me all in the blender.  Had I taken the time to think about what I was about to do, I never would have done it.  But, LUCKILY for me, I was impulsive as ever, and I just pushed "blend".

That blender whirled around with all of me inside for three months.  Twelve weeks.  Ninety long, dark, out-of-control, spinning days. Then... it all stopped.

As you can imagine, all of those ingredients make for quite a large milkshake/lifeshake.  Thus, I have been pouring myself in to lovely old-fashion milkshake glasses for the last few weeks.  Today, I finally managed to get a straw and take a long cold sip... and gosh almighty, it is DELICIOUS!!!!   Furthermore, there are no holes!  Not in the glasses, and not in me!  ...and believe me, there WAS a hole for a while. 

My life-shake is the best decision/shake I've ever made!  I didn't follow the right recipe.  In fact, I didn't even bother looking for one,  I just listened to my intuition.  I let ME talk me into it.  Because I let me make my decisions with myself, I am responsible for the outcome, the consequences.  No one to blame, no one to thank.  (That's not to say that there were not many people who helped me along the way, but that is for another blog!)  I trust myself now.  I don't have any more holes.  I'm proud of me!  I'm whole.

So, I'm here and I love my new normal.  I've arrived as a milkshake.  Everything has been blended together so that nothing is too big, too heavy, too sad, or too much.  Everything is equal, and I am balanced.  My life is smooth, and cool, and beautiful, and refreshing.

I'm in love at last... with my new normal.

I'll adjust...

So, this morning I called down to a church in St. George... just to check on the kid situation. One thing for sure, the LDS community is full of info! The guy I talked to told me that indeed there were NOT a lot of kids in the area, but there are enough. (Utah Valley is an anomaly - BFFs to the right and to the left.) I asked him about a basketball hoop that I had seen across the street and down two houses from my new place - I wanted to know if there were full-time kids there or just grand kids. He gave me the lowdown on that. Then he said rather quietly, "There is a black family." and then he went silent. I waited to hear the list of the colors of the other families in the area, but he didn't give. I was like "Yes, and?" Still more silence. I wondered if perhaps he wanted me to tell him MY family's color - which would be difficult cuz I didn't know I had been assigned one. I thought about saying "Orangeish Red - you know, like the color of a beautiful sunset!" But, I didn't. I just kind of sat there.

Can't remember how the rest of the conversation went after that, other than that I said good-bye. Quite frankly, my brain checked out for a bit because I was trying to remember where I was moving. Was I going back to South Carolina? Columbia, South Carolina is the first place I was ever exposed to racism - the kind we've all seen on TV. KKK marching down the road, and me having to carefully take a detour (when I really wanted to run them all down) so they could continue their march in protest of pigment. That is also the place where I was told "black people should not be allowed to go to BYU because they have a part of their brain missing, but they do have more muscles in their ankles... which make them jump higher." Ya, do NOT make me tell you who said that one to me. Suffice it to say, I was in an "interview"... uh huh!

But,then I remembered that I am moving to St. George UTAH, and I wondered why this guy felt the need to let me in on the secret - cuz I'm sure it won't be obvious to me when I meet my neighbors...me being color blind and all. I wonder if it would be good for my phone helper to know that Maggie's current best friend here in Utah County is a lil' black boy named Matthew; she is going to marry him.

Do you think it will put his well-meaning mind at ease to know that my adjustment time will be minmal?

In all its glory!

LINK    <<<< go there for more info  :O)

For Sale

My old life.  Yep, I'm selling it.

I'm really good at getting rid of things.  There was a time when I was actually bad at getting rid of things.  I mean, I got really good at getting rid of things that we needed... which ended up being bad.  Things like tax returns, receipts, heirlooms, and so forth.  I guess those are important.  Go figure.  I even got rid of baby stuff after Zach - who was the FIRST child.  Duh!  Who does that?  Gearing up for #2 was just as expensive as #1 since I had to start from scratch.

But, being a quick study (22 years counts as "quick"),  I now only get rid of stuff I really know I won't want in the future. ...and my old life falls under that category.

I'm also selling my house.

Going south to freeze

I didn't want to do it.  I wanted to go south to get WARM!  But no.  The southern warmth gods were on vacation somewhere... and they forgot to leave the sun "on".

February is just NOT my month.  In fact, the only reason I even like Valentines Day is because it means the month is 1/2 over!  I can't get to March fast enough... and even when it comes, I'm yearning for April.  Ahhhh, even seeing the word "April" in print is like using an inhaler.  It just opens my lungs and helps me breath easier... for a few more weeks. 

I've been in St. George for 3 days now... and I've managed to put an offer on a home.  $231,000 to be exact.  Did I come down here with that in mind?  NO!  (Did I tell Richard I was planning on looking for a home down here?  Yes.... but really, I wasn't.  *snort*   Mean, huh?)   But I did!  And I sat down and signed my name on a REPC - for a house that I had seen only 3 hours earlier.

A Fluke.  It was a fluke.  But now I want that fluke to realize its potential in life and turn in to a reality!  I want that home.  I want a "yes" from Fannie Mae.  I want to buy a home all by my little selfy.  Not a refi... cuz I just did that 2 months ago.  Nope, I want to BUY a home.  All new and memoryless and only me as the owner.  Forever.  No one before me - 'cept maybe the bank, because it does happen to be a repo.  (Go figure the builder getting a model home repo-ed!  HA!) 

If I DO get a positive response from old Fannie, I think I'll name the house "fluke".

Fluke and Zippy.  House and car.  Mine and Mine.

I still need the heat one way or the other.  ....please shine down on me!

Ch-ch-ch-change!

I love change.  I always have.  Yes, I love change like quarters, dimes, nickles and pennies... but that AIN'T the kinda change I'm talkin 'bout.  I'm thinking about all the others; physical, emotional, social, spiritual, intellectual.

Out of those five areas, I think physical change is the easiest.  Pack up, move down the road - Tada!  Change accomplished. 

Social change might be the next in line.  I mean, with all the social media avenues available lately, a person can change socially with a few strokes of the keyboard.  Those avenues allow us to be who ever we want to be... for better or for worse.

Intellectual comes next in my mind... ha ha, pun intended.  ;o)  Making the decision to change intellectually begins the intellectual change right there!  Deciding to read new genres, or taking a class that is out of a comfort zone, or even choosing a new blog to follow - those seem to be pretty simple ways to make intellectual changes.

I think emotional and spiritual kind of go together.  At least they seem to right now.  Those two areas would be the ones that have been with us the longest - I mean, we are born with those "identities" whereas the other three seem to be more choice oriented. 

Aren't we? 

Born with those? 

Does our emotional and spiritual "self" make up who we are from even before birth?

I know I'd like to debate this whole issue with myself - and I could probably do a good job.  However at 12:30 am, I can barely keep both eyes open, much less keep my fingers in the correct place on the keyboard!

Why am I writing in the first place?

Nobody follow me, ok?

;o)

I'm not having a good time.

Some days are good days... this was not one of them.

I have lots of things in my head, but I can't seem to get them out through my hands. Not just through my fingertips on the keyboard; I can't even get ideas - like say "cleaning" - done.  

I've never been bi-polar, but I think I can see both North and South at the same time lately.

Is that indicative of something???

Maybe it's a good thing.  Maybe it means I am good at seeing "both sides."

SHAZAM!!

Ok, it is SOOOOO time for me to write again! I don't really get "writer's block" so much as I get "writer's high". But uh... I ain't got that tonight... but I WANT to write. Go figure.

Actually, Alek is BEGGING me to get off of the computer so he can take over, so I may gear up and do some writing tomorrow. I'll think of something by then...

Cool Beans... or not

So at about 8:45 last night I heard Maggie from the bottom of the stairs calmly calling my name saying, "Mom... come here." I yelled down to her asking what she needed (seeing how the "mom come here" thing happens a good 37 times each day) to which she replied "I just need you to come here." We went back and forth like that about 4 times until I finally gave in and decided to just go down stairs and see what it was that was important enough to "NEED" me to get out of bed. I heaved a big sigh, then headed toward the stairs. A strange odor began to fill my nose with each step down the stairs. At first it smelled rather tasty/toasty, but it quickly became overwhelmingly smokey. As I turned the corner to enter the kitchen, I could see a gray haze wafting through the upper 1/3 of the room. The microwave door was open, but I could see nothing inside. Looking around for the culprit and seeing none, I asked Maggie what had happened. She replied "I think I cooked the beans a little bit too long." That's when I noticed on the floor in front of me a small white and black spotted sock sitting in a rather odd "puddle" shape with dark grey smoke pouring from its every fiber.

It seems that Maggie (ever the nurse) used the microwave to try to heat up some dry split peas that she had placed in a sock so I could put it around my neck as I was going to bed. It is usually about a 30 sec warm-up thing. She put them in for 4 min. Taking the sock out of the microwave, she found that it was quite hot and "steaming" (which in this case really meant "smoking"), and promptly dropped the blackened sock on the linoleum. Well, I suppose "she dropped" is really not accurate - the sock actually dropped itself by a self-inflicted decapitation. As it was in the microwave heating up, the internal smoldering of the beans caused the neck of the sock to burn to the point of disintegration. Picking it up by the knotted neck part, Maggie (and gravity) aided the separation of the upper and lower part of the sock. It was quite lucky that the beans didn't spill out of the sock and land on her feet. THAT would have been horrible!!

So, now I have a nice round yellowish brown spot right in the middle of my kitchen floor.

Did I mention that melting linoleum and blacked split peas make a less than appetizing stench?

Death by initiation... or WHO'S YOUR COUPON MAMA???

So, I just read one of those forwarded e-mails that we all HATE to get. You know, the ones that we can disprove by going to snopes.com and looking it up. (and yes, I've seen the new one that disproves snopes... lol) This one talked about "gang initiations" going on in my county this weekend - the initiation rite was that they have to kill three women at Walmart. Anyway, for a sec, I was freaked out, cuz if it were true... I COULDA BEEN KILLED!!!

See, I was at Walmart in AF until 1am last night just relaxing for a few hours... you know that feeling, no? After my "check out high", I walked out to the car by myself with my "haul" ($175 original prices down to $37 oop using Qs) and loaded the car, then I studied my receipt (as all good addicts do) before driving off. Prolly not a smart thing to do in the first place, but the kids are in bed at that time, and I can think in the store by myself - well worth it... although had I been a victim of a gang initiation, I might not have thought that same way.

Anyway, I figured my fear was unwarranted. I mean, I'd up and scare the %&$^ out of anyone who tried to take "Roxy the Foxy Boxy" from me (that is the name of my coupon box that I take with me everywhere), much less tried to kill me. On the other hand, maybe I could have bribed them with some Yoplait Kids Cups, or a box of Kelloggs cereal, or some Kotex pads... or even some KY Jelly - all of which I got free! LOLOL Then I'd yell "Who's your coupon mama?" which would weird them out enough that they'd be runnin the other way!

One small step...

Here is my theory (for anyone who reads this... which is generally ME!): 20 yrs ago I agreed to stay at home to raise the kids...and everything that goes with it - including making 72 Valentines with chocolates attached. It all made perfect sense back then, cuz the babies were babies! HOWEVER, now that Maggie is in 2nd grade, my "stuff" is not taking all day to do, so I have quite a bit of free time. Does that mean I should fill it with some income producing work? Do I have to be productive all day long? I was productive 24/7 for QUITE a while! Anyway, I kind of feel like I "should" work - I mean, for retirement purposes. Cuz, what if the economy really tanks, and I have no equity whatsoever left in my home, and my pool table and Foosball table are worth nothing in a garage sale??

BUT, but... I kinda feel like I want to stay home and do nothing, cuz I like it. Plus it is true that the kids need a mom at this stage of the game just as much (if not more) than they did when they were in diapers.

I am one click away from taking Abnormal Psychology from BYU. It is one small step/click for independent study, but a GIANT step for mankind/me. If I take it, that means I will take Stats (Math 2010) after that, then I will take the GRE, then I will hopefully get in to the Masters in Educational Counseling program (through Utah State, but taken at UVU - distance learning thing) that starts this fall. So by taking this one class, am I signing up for full-time work?

But... but... but... I don't WANNA!!!

So I am in a QUANDARY... or I have a quandary. (Not sure which is the right way to say that. No wait, I am sure... it is "in".)

Thinking

So... I have just NOT been in a good mood lately. I mean, I am not really myself. Not sure what could cause me to lose who I have always been, but it COULD be an inordinate amount of uncommon stressors. I can deal with stress that I know and understand. But when things happen that I am not prepared to have happen... well I cave to the feelings that belong to "normal" people. (Cuz yeah, for some reason I think I am above the "normal" feelings that "normal" people have when stressed.)

Why do I like to question everything? What is wrong with just accepting what people say is real? ...people I respect and believe, of course. There must really be a RIGHT and a WRONG, a REAL and a NOT REAL to everything - otherwise why would it constantly drive me crazy until I figure it out?

Maybe I should study math. Math is just plain old correct or incorrect, whereas psychology/sociology is so subjective. If I think through a math problem, there is eventually an END. If I think through a people problem, I can go on and on and on and on... there is NO end!

Take religion... or um... maybe don't take religion.

Apples to Apples

Apples to apples... that is the game about getting to know people and how they think, isn't it?

I could be on a cruise. Well... I mean, I really couldn't be on a cruise cuz I can't afford it, but I am having just as much fun with my friends as if I WERE on a cruise. :o)

For a "people person" the internet is just about as much fun as it gets! Bogging, chatting, e-mailing, "facebooking" (surely that is a verb, no?). I have managed to hook up with some of my BEST friends from high school lately through the internet. It has been amazing how we have just been able to pick up where we left off. Isn't it interesting how our minds store so much info, so many thoughts, so many memories that just sit tucked away in the deep dark caverns of our brains until we need to pull them forward again? (what do you mean YOU don't have deep dark caverns in YOUR brain? Hmm...) Anyway, it has been a lot of fun going down memory lane and fitting the pieces together of where my friends have been in the last 20 years.

All in all, it seems to me that people don't change that much over time. I mean, I can hear my friends' voices as I read what they write. They still sound the same. The inflections are still there just like they were years ago. It is reassuring in a way - I mean, if they haven't changed all that much, then perhaps I haven't changed all that much. If they liked me then, they will probably still like me now! :o)

There is just something about our CORE (in comes the apple thing). As humans I think we have a core; a core which does not change through life's events. It IS who we are. We can put layers on our core and build walls around our core in hopes of protecting ourselves. Those walls and layers may change our outward appearance, and perhaps some of our actions, but I am just not so sure that anything can really change our core! I think that when we peel off the skin and eat away the juicy fruit, we all end up with the same thing... a core - with the seeds inside that are really the life of the apple.

No, I am not going to take the analogy further and make apple pie, or apple fritters, or even The Apple Dumpling Gang.... I just wanted to remind myself that I love going on a cruise (even thought I've never been on one), and that my friends and I are all fruits!

Thoughts from the dark side....

Ok, here is the deal. After doing everything I was supposed to do in order to get an A+ in this LDS culture, (100% active all my life, serving a mission, temple marriage, BYU graduate, accepting callings, SAHM for 20 yrs, reading, praying, templing, tithing, forgiving, even baking bread) I feel like I've been given a D- now that I am divorced and have "non mission" kids. (it is me judging myself and giving myself those feelings - I know that). So, I am trying VERY hard to be "inactive" and just leave The Church. You know, just walk away.

It is not working - at least not socially.

It's my ward. They won't let me do it! I had an "Ensign" Sunday last week. Right after church (which I didn't attend), my HTs showed up (one of whom is a very prominent BYU athletic... person). Anyway, just as they were about to leave, 7 of my good girl friends in the ward showed up (dresses on, Ensign in hand) and sat in my front room and were just my friends. Ten min after that, my VT showed up just to chat, then another gal in the ward brought over a letter just sharing her feelings with me. I finally decided to leave the house and take my dog for a walk (the kids were with their dad), when a member of the EQP chases me down on his motorcycle! He just wanted to chat (cuz he has been where I am), so we did for about an hour.

Honestly, if that weren't enough, I've had Zucchini bread delivered (fresh from the oven), and a CD with a Women of Destiny song burned on it - both delivered with anonymous "we love you" cards. Then today, I find an envelope taped to my front door with yet another anonymous card and ...$150 cash stuck in side. (I'm desperately trying to recall exactly whose handwriting is on this particular card!)

NOW what am I supposed to do???? Sheesh, maybe they are thinking that if they can't kill me with kindness, perhaps they can buy my activity! (they know me well...)

The thing is, I just wanna be BAD for a while. I don't mean actually do things that are against my moral code, I guess I just want to be different from what I have been - cuz the end result wasn't all that much fun when I "chose the right"! It was peaceful, but I didn't end up where I thought I would end up.

So, I am still as cynical as ever. Probably nothing to worry about... at least nothing serious. My RSP told me to go for it, but make sure I give equal amounts of time to both camps. I asked her if that meant I could drink coffee WHILE reading scriptures ...she just rolled her eyes.

Education vs Coupons

Did I happen to mention that with my special education degree from a 4 year college, I get paid a whopping $8.92 per hour to work full-time in a special ed class over at the high school... and that the "head sweeper" gets paid $2 more per hour that me? Well, if I didn't happen to mention that, then I am mentioning it now.

As I was sitting here fuming over my hourly wage while trying to figure out all the great deals for my WSA (Weekend Shopping Extravaganza), I was realizing that I could possibly make more money shopping than I can working!!!!!!!!! Now there is really something wrong with that, isn't there? I mean, I can make some fairly good money this weekend by purchasing Poptarts, Rice Krispy Treats, Robitussin, and Crest Mouthwash. I can add to my stockpile of snack, self-care products, and my bank account all at the same time.

They say "Money can't buy happiness". That may be true for some people (myself NOT included! LOL), however I'm lovin' my new mantra: "Coupons can buy money"!!

The "don't"s of being me.

I was raised Mormon, in the heart of the Mormon capitol of the world... UTAH!

Just some basic info: we don't have horns, or more than one wife (and certainly not more than one husband!!! lol), and we all don't have 10 kids and one on the way!! We do get married in the temple, but there is nothing WEIRD that goes on in there... and don't ask me what DOES go on in there, cuz i can't tell you or I'd have to kill you... or baptize you. We don't think there are only a certain number of people who get in to heaven, and we don't think Joseph Smith is Jesus Christ! We don't have a bible that is any different from the King James version (which is the one we use), and we don't drink and don't smoke, but we do eventually have... well, you know... the "S" word but only after we are married. LOLOLOL

We do try to live by the Golden Rule, but it usually doesn't seem to work very well.
We do not drink coffee, but we do try to buy all the Diet Coke that we can possibly fit in our minivans using FACEBOOK coupons. (Well, ok, that part is just about me...)
We do send our 19yr old sons away for 2 years to be missionaries somewhere in the world... but I haven't.
We don't get divorced... but I did.
We don't want moms to work outside of the home... but I do.
We don't swear... but I do that too.
We don't gamble... but I only do that if I go through Vegas.

Gee... I'm not a very good Mormon, am I?